Build strong boundaries. Feel less anger and more peace.

 

[transcript of the video] 2016

How strong personal boundaries will virtually eliminate anger from your life?  

Virtually – because you will still be able to go to the emotion, but you will have fewer reasons to do so.

If  anger and resentment are present in your daily life, you probably notice how they drain your energy and create an undercurrent of negativity you constantly swim in, and how you drag others to join you there as well. 

I want to suggest  three things you can do to have less anger and more peace.  Starting today.

And this video is about number one:

Create stronger personal boundaries

[ Video 2 is about creating inner reservoir of peace, and video 3 about communication, speaking up ]

How will better boundaries can  help you reduce anger? When you get resentful it’s because someone crossed your physical, time, or emotional boundaries.

Your time boundaries are crossed when you are asked to do too much, you felt overworked or used, you have no ‘you’ time, so you are angry at yourself: you don’t know how to get out from this commitment, or you are afraid if you say ‘no’ you will lose the job, the friend or face. 

Your physical boundaries may be violated when you agree to  host someone for a week and they stay for three months and always eat your favorite cheese and everything good from the fridge.

Your emotional boundaries may be crossed when someone constantly blames you for stuff you didn’t do, or they tell you to change the way you are, in your most authentic moments.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are unwritten agreements between you and the rest of the world about what line cannot be crossed.  And if someone is about to cross the line  you are able to stop them by communicating with calm and confidence that this is not ok with you. 

Another way of making boundaries work is to simply walk away or to stop putting energy into this relationship.

So here is how to create stronger boundaries now.

1.Take something to write on. Bring to your mind one after another situations and people that make you angry or resentful.

2. Observe what line was crossed. What is not ok with you. Where this person or you suppose to stop. Is there a pattern in those situations? 

3. Make an agreement with yourself, draw the line – between what is acceptable and what’s not. (for example if you volunteer with a group of people and you are always asked to do something you really don’t like – decide you will not do it. Or when someone visits your home often and talks about disturbing things or makes inappropriate jokes – decide to end it, by communicating to them to stop it or refuse to let them in) 

4. Practice ahead of time: imagine the frustrating situation happening again. How will you act? How will you communicate with calm, kindness and confidence, that that this is not ok with you. 

Create more peace by making it last: make your boundaries non- negotiable. 

Coming up with “buts” and issues during this exercise?

Just like with anything – it gets easier with practice. Initially, if you never say no to anyone, you will be afraid that when you say no people will not like you. But think about this: if you don’t say no to stuff that hurts and harms you, how will you like yourself?  The benefit will be: people who supposed to stay in your circle – will stay and will respect you more.

Strong personal boundaries are a sign of healthy self-esteem and self-compassion. You want both.