Ask Better Questions (Relationships 1)
[One Action To Better Your Relationship Today]
Stop asking rhetorical questions.
Which rhetorical questions exactly? Those that emerge from criticism, and those that are triggered by our impatience. When we do this, though we are talking – we are not communicating:
“Does your mother live here?”
“Do I have a ‘dishwasher’ written on my forehead?”
“Do you always (never) have to do [blank].”
“Am I the only person wearing pants in this house?”
While for a second it may be tempting to ask them – it is not building anything, instead it’s creating separation between two people.
It’s not contributing anything, instead it’s draining both your and your partner’s energy.
There is a better way
There are other, constructive ways of expressing frustration, to which your partner is more likely to respond in a supportive way.
1. Make it fun. If you have a sense of humor make it a fun statement AND avoid judgement- you both will laugh but you will get your point across.
2. Ask kindly, stating what they do is not working for you and how it makes you feel or – if you don’t have a talent for this – go to this checklist, below:
3. Practice the principles of non violent communication (easy!)
a. Make an observation without judgement (if possible without big, emotional reaction);
b. Say how it makes you feel;
c. Tell them what you need;
d. Make a request of that person (but don’t make it sound like a demand);
e. You may ask for feedback.
(learn more on non violent communication from Marshal Rosenberg)
4. Change your perspective. Is the thing they are doing really worth a discussion or a potential argument? Each of us needs to balance those things: to what degree am I bothered by this. How important is this comparing to peace. (But if you keep compromising, we careful not to adapt solutions of an “exploding doormat”)
It may be extremely difficult to chose – should I discuss this or ignore? – but there are no rules…
Now you may ask: is it always working 100%?
Yes – you will feel better!
Is the other person going to change?
Of course not. While we will achieve some success, nobody owes it to us to change and to demand it would be simply not fair.
What you do with this is another thing….
Did you find it helpful? Send to to someone who may need it. Just don’t tell them ” you may need it”
Other articles in this series: