How To Handle Confrontations.
Most people try to avoid confrontation at all cost. Even though the other side often would prefer to speak openly about the issue.
I like to observe the confrontation styles people have. Sometimes, as an observer, I wish some were more open to confront others, because it’s clear – they lose ( I admit: my ego may be way too big, so I cheer them up to confront). And I wish others were less confrontational, since I see no need to do so (that is when they confront me). My least favorite moments were when I was confronted by some smart pants in the exactly same way I confronted others in the past. Hmm.. how did that happen?
Can we confront in a way that empowers both sides? Yes. But it takes both sides to control the temperature! It may happen that you approach an issue compassionately, and the other side still explodes.
Since this is such a sensitive topic, I wanted to share what I got from The Kaballah Center last week.
Proactive kabbalistic kit for confrontations.
“Some of us confront like bullies, kicking and screaming. Some play like a fish in the deep ocean and choose to run away. Some stay passive aggressive, hoping things will go away by themselves. And some of us go straight to victim.com! Are you ready for this?
Rule #1: Check your facts! Simple enough, right? Not really. Sometimes we reach conclusions out of a feeling or an impression.
Rule #2: NO judgment! The best way to confront is actually through a question. So it will sound like: “Ok John, look, this and this has occurred. Can you walk me through your decision making process? Tell me what happened.”
Rule #3: NEVER ever confront a person in public! It should be done over a cup of tea in your office or at the local coffee shop. Kabbalistically, the worst karma is created when we humiliate someone in public. Kabbalists teach us that it is equivalent to drawing a person’s blood! (Think about their reaction–they will become all pale or all red.)
By the way, the same goes for children. We can scold them a bit, but never in public!
Rule #4: Use the word, “WE” to find a solution. It will sound like, “Ok, I understand. What are we going to do to make it better?” Sometimes, the outcome is that the person facing you is not a match for the job or the task. If that’s the case, then we should simply tell them.
Does that sound hard to do? Not at all! Yes, I know we are all going to find ourselves with sweaty palms and a sensation of profound discomfort at first, but as the kabbalists teach us, we have a choice between lack of comfort and chaos. We all know that failing to confront at the right time will lead us to total chaos!”
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