Learn to Set Boundaries Before You Have To

There is a saying: “If you feel bad, go help someone else.”
Except for the overgiver who has been ignoring their own needs to serve others, this advice can backfire.

You feel bad because you have been ignoring yourself and your needs. Reflecting back on such situations, have you noticed: 

If you don’t consciously set boundaries with someone, you will unconsciously push them away. You may become passive-aggressive, distant, or avoidant. Avoiding boundaries is like avoiding confrontation — but in the end, it creates more conflict, not less.

If you don’t consciously set boundaries, your body will do it for you. This is how people get sick, get injuries or accidents. Your body and your subconscious mind want to rest and will do it at all costs.

Their needs over your needs. Is that ok?

Learning to say no without guilt is inner work. You may be waiting for the situation to resolve itself or go away. And it may. But what if it exists so that you empower yourself from within? So that you learn self-care? So that you learn to have agency over your time and energy? 

Now: guilt: The fact that you even feel bad about saying no is proof that you are a caring person. If you had no hesitation, that would be different. Cruel people don’t worry about hurting others. But the longer you wait, the more likely you are to hurt someone. Primarily yourself. 

The longer you wait to set a boundary, the more you hurt yourself, and the bigger your resentment. So the sooner you say no or set boundaries the less inner healing there will be to do. The less anger you will deal with. 

We avoid setting boundaries because we want to be nice.

We don’t want to alienate or reject people — and in trying not to reject them, we reject ourselves. We want to be nice to others so we are not nice / or kind to ourselves. We don’t want them to be angry – so we wait until we feel anger at them and ourselves. 

We tell ourselves, “It’s not that bad.”  We don’t want to seem selfish.

But you know you’ve reached your limit when…

your mind starts thinking strange thoughts. When your energy drops. When you feel resistance or hesitation. Your body always knows.

It’s strange how, in some relationships, one person stays out of loyalty or fear of abandoning the other, while the other secretly dreams of being free. You keep doing favors for them — and they may actually wish you weren’t there. Or they might be happier somewhere else.

How to set a boundary?

Some people set boundaries just with their presence and energy, not with words. You can tell certain things are not even an option for them.

But if you agreed to something without setting a time limit on it, then you need to say something.

The result depends heavily on how you set the boundary. When you do it from anger, it creates conflict for both sides.
When you do it from love, for yourself and them, your mind is clean. And the other person is more likely to understand. (Or not. Sometimes we set a boundary, and the person walks away. Maybe due to shame, maybe becasue they feel rejected, or maybe because they can no longer use us) 

What does it mean to set a boundary with love? First, think about yourself with care and kindness, and acknowledge your needs. Then think about the other person with love – yes, it may be a process, and maybe love is not available, but maybe compassion? Then talk about your needs without blame. For example, “I thought this would work, I thought I could do that,  but it looks like it takes too much energy/time/ stress, etc.”

Notice what happens in your mind next… One of my clients felt very tired of hosting someone. It was coming up in every session for months.  But she was not able to tell the person to find another place.  The excuses were insane. When she was close to making the decision, the saviour’s energy began to show up. (Many of us have it – the rescuer, the helper, the saviour, the martyr.)  She was convinced that she was the only one who could help. That made her feel special. But the “rescuer” also has a shadow – a shadow of arrogance. When the situation was resolved, the other person was happy to leave once he found a different place, where he was much happier.

When you set a boundary honestly, clearly, and calmly, and you deal with a healthy person,  you give the other person permission to do the same. 

In conclusion, reflecting on these situations, it’s clear:

You must be willing to risk losing people or you will lose yourself.

You must be willing to risk having a conflict with someone, or you will have a conflict within yourself.

To avoid self-betrayal, you need to establish boundaries. 

We need to set boundaries before we have to.  I know this sounds strong, but sometimes this is the only way we get it.