Have You Found Your Tribe?

how to find your tribe

Have you ever felt, that you don’t belong, wherever you go? Not only you are not understood – you are not even listened to? To my greatest surprise, I started hearing from “the coolest” and  most outgoing people: “I can’t find anything in common with them”, “I feel excluded, ignored”,  It’s so hard to make friends here.” If it doesn’t happen to everybody, it happens to more people than we may think. And I thought – before – it was just me. Well, it might have been “me” but in a different sense. For years; childhood, teenage years, and later, in some work situations, I either didn’t fall into the right circle, or didn’t have what it takes.

If you say “Nobody gets me”, “I’m an outsider, an introvert.”  I’m not buying it. Not right away. More likely this is the case:

Where you grow now, the ground is not fertile for you – this is not where you can bloom, and show all your colors.

So what can you do?

1. First of all, what definitely, absolutely, totally NOT to do:

Don’t try too hard.

Don’t try too hard to fit in.

Don’t change yourself….  Being in touch with your authenticity, even if it’s weird, is a great way to connect. When you are pretending to be someone else, who do you want them to fall in love with?

So, tell me, when do you feel like you’re selling your soul?

It may go like this: you make an effort, after effort to connect. And it’s not reciprocated. Maybe it happens with your coworkers or in your accidentally chosen social circle. There is nothing in it for you, except: the feeling of being ignored, depleted and inappropriate. Except that you need to recover after every company’s happy hour, or after a party (where the participants saw you 15 times but never remembered your name). Guess what: you are not important to them. And that’s ok. They have the right to choose, just like you have… (Before you feel bad about it, please note: there is someone trying to get your attention, and you don’t know how to get rid of them…)

So! Take a step 2, and…

2. Forget about it!

Don’t over-analyze. Yes,  it’s that simple.

3. Turn on the inner navigator. Change the direction.

Nobody can tell you where exactly you may find your tribe. Go where you “feel it”. Notice where something lights up within you. What it is that you “always” wanted? Go to those places, courses, that resonate with you. And, listen to Deepak:  LET IT GOOOO…. Be where you are, enjoy it as much as you can, but forget about the need to make friends by Friday 5pm. Contemplating this may help: “Everything comes on time.”

Reconnect with your old friends. When we move we tend to be so absorbed by the new environment that we put our old, good friends on the back burner. Reach out to them and keep a regular contact. They can absolutely be the best source of your strength and confidence while you are building  a new life somewhere else.

4. Participate.

Be authentic. Learn how to connect with your heart. But it’s still not guaranteed that you will meet your soul mates and soul sisters, so the next step is:

5. Don’t waste time.

Nothing clicked? Move on. You feel weird in the middle of it all? Leave early. Own your schedule. If you catch yourself thinking “I would rather…” – go do what you “would rather.”  Few month ago I went to a big event, with an even bigger personal development guru. Everyone who went before told me “it changed my life, it was a deep spiritual experience, you have to go.”

So I went. I drove thru the desert, heading West,  thinking I am fulfilling my dream. And then… on day 2nd I felt:  “I’d rather.” The big crowd was overwhelming. My reflective nature called for barefoot walk along the ocean. The promised transformation in a group of 4000 people wasn’t exactly happening, maybe because I’ve already done it in a coaching school.  I went to the beach, feeling like I know what freedom is.

When you find your tribe you know it.

  • There is a chemistry from the first conversation.
  • Instant fire. Connection.
  • You feel at ease.  
  • You discover: people see and appreciate you for things, you never thought about.
  • You feel nourished from the outside.
  • You receive support.
  • You are loved in your weakest moments. Sincerely.
  • And you don’t need the antidepressants anymore.  
  • You don’t have to be anyone beyond of who you are already… to be loved and accepted.

I smile while I write this, because I know (if not already) it all can be yours. So, wherever you are: go where the love is. Open up. Bloom.

  • Joanna: This is a great article! I think trying to fit in affects us all no matter how old we are but as we get older it becomes less important to us. We should try to make the best out of a social situation but sometimes you know you don’t belong in a certain situation then you should follow your instinct and just leave without even saying goodbye. That’s my opinion.

  • Is there a right tribe for everyone? Being part of a tribe that just feels “good” … that makes me feel connected to them when we are together … is something I have enjoyed … but has not been easy. During my life journey, I have been warmly accepted into many different kinds of tribes … and some still belong to … but always felt/feel something is missing for me. Maybe what’s been missing is me (haha) … 🙂

    • Joanna says:

      What is it that is missing Ronnie? Maybe there are still tribes that are waiting for you and will give it all to you, since we transition from one to another. And maybe, maybe it is “you” who is missing, 🙂 do you think it is a possibility? I don’t know… there must be a balance between giving it your all and feeling connected effortlessly. The simple things are the best, i heard. ( I tried to respond 5 times to you yesterday and gave up. Technology is not getting better!)

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