How To Prevent A Doormat Explosion. [Relationships 3]
(One Action to Better Your Relationship Today)
I love the term which I found in Martha Beck’s article. It perfectly describes what happens when we neglect to communicate. Exploding doormat could be a person who most of the time is nice and polite, never complains, while inside she is boiling with anger, until suddenly, when you least expect it, she (or he?) explodes, screaming, that she can’t take it anymore. She also can just walk away offended and you will never know what you did wrong.
“There is nothing spiritual in repressing your feelings” Marianne Williamson
How is an exploding doormat crated? Some of the reasons may include:
- Your fear of rejection is bigger than your dissatisfaction. You may be afraid that when you express how you feel, others will reject you or not like you (hence hiding it until the pressure blows off the lid)
- You try to be a loving person and for some reason you think it means accepting everything about other people (or the closest person). Until you simply run out of patience (or the ability to overlook).
If you recognize yourself in this picture, consider:
- Dealing with a person that hides what she/ he thinks or feels can be frustrating and scary for anyone.
- Are you ready to make a decision about being transparent? Do you see benefits of doing so?
- How can you notice and take care of your needs while feeling safe about expressing them?
- Practice. Learn communicating with “I” sentences (I need, I feel, etc) vs “you” sentences (blame, criticism). Learn about non violent communication – it will always help. What can both of you agree to do, and be, so you both can feel safe in any conversation?
- Mindfulness: pay attention and start noticing what doesn’t work for you, what you don’t like. Start making or suggesting changes. Start small, gradually extending the awareness to larger and larger areas of life.
The result: when you are more open and joyful, others around you are more joyful. The clarity and openness in communication cuts down the unnecessary arguments and guesswork. Being transparent means being more authentic. And mature.
And authenticity is, as you may remember, irresistible.
(The views expressed in this blog are not intended to replace therapy)
Other articles in this series:
Do you compromise too much for him / her?
Ask better questions (“does your mother live here?” is not one of them)
Tell the truth / Vulnerability / the weak and the strong way
Shift your perspective, deepen your relationship. The human and the universal