How to be less judgmental and feel better. [Video]
“How can I be less judgmental? I’m getting tired of this. I noticed I’m constantly angry and a lot of conversations with other people are negative.”
This person realized that she has the power to change something in her mind and she noticed that whatever she’s thinking and saying is affecting her emotionally.
If that is also you, know there is a way out of this mental habit. I want to offer you different shifts in perception and short exercises that will help you release the need to judge excessively.
You may be concerned:” if I stop judging, then for sure the thing that is wrong will not change.” Things and people don’t change because we judge them. Just like you don’t change because we judge yourself. The transformation needs to come from a different energy. So let’s leave that aside for now, and focus now only on your emotional well-being.
Also, remember that letting go of excessive judgment is NOT ABOUT:
- letting go of your wise assessment of situations,
- it’s not about lowering your standards and values,
- it’s not about removing your boundaries.
It’s only about letting go of negative thoughts that end up creating negativity for you.
Mental house cleaning
When we let go of excessive habitual judgment it’s like an inner house cleaning. There’s such a difference between walking into a clean house, where everything has its place, those harmony and walking into a dirty or messy house. In the dirty house we may immediately feel anxious and agitated. In a clean house we are more likely to feel at ease.
Our mind is a house we live in. We take our head with us wherever we go and it’s important that it feels good. The reason we want to let go of excessive judgment is because when you think these negative thoughts about somebody else, You are still the one that is experiencing the negative emotions that come from it. The wave of negative emotions is flowing through your body. Your energy system, not theirs, so to be less judgmental, is to feel better and free.
Consider these points:
1) No shame.
The first and most important thing we need to do is to let go of the shame. Maybe you notice that you judge excessively, you may be in a company of people who are very positive, maybe too positive and you simply notice that contrast between them and you. Or maybe you judged somebody unfairly and now you feel ashamed. And then you judge yourself for judging And then you judge yourself for judging yourself because you have heard that it’s not good to judge yourself.
So you can’t escape this cycle in any other way than by dropping it. Simply let that go. And let the shame go as well. The last thing the world needs is another person that feels ashamed and is hiding. You are not going to create anything positive from shame. So, allow yourself to just let it go.
2) Judgment is a natural function of your brain.
Let go of the shame because… it’s natural for humans to judge. We all do this. It is a function of the survival brain. It’s natural to go through the day and judge situations. So the positive sister of judgment is assessment and discernment. We assess. Is that too fast or too slow? Is it too hot or too cold? Should I let that person in or not? Is this person saying the truth or do I sense a lie? And this serves us.
When you judge something outside of you, maybe it’s because you feel there’s a threat. The threat to your wellbeing, your values, your money. It’s a natural function of our human brain.
3) Mental habit are created and can be un-created.
The only problem is that sometimes we go overboard with it, and we create a mental habit out of this judgment. Good news: mental habits are created and can be uncreated. Done and undone.
We create mental habits by repeating the same thoughts, over and over – we practice them, hence we strengthen the habit. We undo and unlearn the habit when the urge shows up to go to these thoughts but we mindfully stop, label them as “this is judgment. Let it go” and we don’t engage with them. We practice that.
We redirect our mind. And the pathway of that habit gets used less and less, until the urge to think these thoughts gets significantly weaker. (This is the process with any habit)
4) Use your practice of mindfulness or meditation for the above.
If you practice them you know exactly what it is about. A thought shows up. you label it and let it go.
5) The Opinion Diet.
It reminds me of an opinion diet. When you eat something that makes you heavy and you stop eating it, you will feel lighter. Eliminating opinions from your mental diet, for a day, or a week, will help you feel lighter. Just like in the previous exercises – the opinion may show up but you send it away. “This is an opinion. I don’t need to think about it now.”
Self-forgiveness is a method that is not utilized enough in our self- development and it is truly powerful. How do you forgive yourself? The simplest way to forgive yourself is to sit in a quiet place or create a sacred inner space wherever you are (like you would for a meditation or a prayer) and take a few breaths like you would in meditation. And simply say out loud:
I forgive myself for…
I forgive myself for….
Honor yourself for creating that space.
Forgive yourself for judging
Forgive yourself for judging excessively.
Forgive yourself for judging unfairly
Forgive yourself for judging yourself.
And leave a space after these intentions. Let the shift happen within you.
7) Change the lens
Another point is to change the lens through which you see the person or the situation.
If we are judging somebody we are looking at that person through a negative, dark lens that lacks kindness or compassion.. But if you set an intention to change that lens through which you see the person, to a lens of light, love, kindness and compassion it will affect your judgment.
You can use prayer for that. Simple: (…) please help me change the lens through which I see this person.
Remember that you’re not only benefiting the other person, you are benefiting yourself and your emotional well-being.
Another way to let go of excessive judgment is to be honest with yourself: Is it possible that you are avoiding certain feelings?
Judging, fighting against “what is” makes you angry. If you were to accept the reality (of what/who you are judging) as it is now, what would you need to feel? Sadness? Powerlessness? Hopelessness? These feelings are harder for many people than simply being angry which feels “active” and “explosive” giving us an illusion we are doing something.
Or would you rather judge and blame someone in your life because it protects you from taking an honest look at yourself? It protects you from taking personal responsibility?
If you let go of judgment, What’s left? What would you need to feel? It’s not that you would need to judge yourself. Things change easier when we start from the acceptance of “what is.”
9) Find the benefit
How can judgment benefit me? In every shadow there is a gift. I already mentioned that a positive side of judgment is: assessment and discernment. It’s the ability to think critically, think for yourself, and not accept an idea just because someone sounds convincing.
You may be able to see, hear, and sense what is off and have the ability to correct it. There are countless professions where we have to see what’s wrong or not optimal in a given area, in order to correct it.
Even in coaching, I need to hear my clients’ limiting beliefs that they don’t notice themselves. If they work on a goal and their own brain sabotages them, I have to guide them with questions creating more self awareness, or simply point it to them in a loving way.
As I am talking about judgment I think about the human design – this can very well be a part of your Human Design (but that’s something we would discuss another time)
I Hope there is something here that will help you feel more positive and better about your mind and yourself. In a way that is natural for you. Let me know what you have discovered here or on youtube.