How to become confident without being arrogant

Sometimes people have a block to become more confident. To ask for and reach for MORE in life.

This has been coming up in my coaching sessions last year:

We hold this subconscious fear,  that if we become confident we will cross the line between confidence and arrogance, and that will alienate people. 

( This activates one of our basic survival fears) We often hear “don’t dim your light just so others can be comfortable around you”  But when you become arrogant, you are blinding others with a flashlight screaming at them “look at me, me, me, me, me. And me. And let’s don’t forget about me!!!” 

Nnnnnot attractive. And it actually happens….

I see two ways of preventing ourselves from arrogance.

Remedy 1. The beginner’s mind. 

Whatever you do, adopt a beginners mindset. Go back to the basics often. Remember about the rules.  So when it comes to breaking them, you really know what you are doing.

I love the idea of going back to the basics, no matter how many years  I have spent doing something.

The confidence comes after years of practicing anything. That confidence may wrongly become a permission to break the rules.

In my life I learned the lesson in a hard way. At some point I was so confident in real estate – “I could do it with my eyes closed” that I overlooked a checkmark and it cost me $9000  Which is not much, when you compare it with mistakes people make in driving – and they are really confident doing it. But if you keep your beginners mind,  even if you have been driving for 20 years, you want to follow the rules – unless you are an idiot.

To become a Zaha Hadid of your profession: remember the rules, to build the un-buildable.

Remedy 2.  Kindness

Lead with kindness. Keep your heart open. Focus on others.

If you have done something that is not kind, you will know it. You will feel uneasy with this. When we are in survival situations, this is the hardest. Notice, today’s overcrowded places make us switch to the survival mode in a nanosecond. Even if our survival is not threatened at all, we can interpret it this way.

It’s really worth thinking about our behavior there, because in the end our own lack of kindness hurts us.

When you feel your growing confidence, notice if there are any fragile places in it. Your survival instincts may show up there. What can you do then?  Be kind to yourself first. Accepting and compassionate. Connect with the feeling in your heart.

This will allow you to be stronger.  You will not be blocking yourself from expressing your power, because you are accepting of yourself, no matter what. This naturally translates into being more kind to others.