Dealing with Grudges, Bitterness and Resentment? [Lessons and healing]

If you hold a grudge,  you likely also suffer from bitterness and resentment. These emotions like to go together.

In this blog I share a perspective on what you could do to heal and move on. If you choose to.

You hold a grudge because something unfair happened.

You should feel it

It is not to say that you SHOULD drop the grudges, that you should NOT feel those feelings. Often, they will be the most adequate response to what happened. But even if they were, do you really want to hold on to them? Do you want to be consumed by them? Or would you rather learn from this experience and let go of the burden of these emotions?

Why let go?

You may not believe this is a decision because the feelings are so strong. Someone or something (like an institution) treated your unfairly, and your boundaries were violated – why let go? Here is why:

The event is in the past.  But here you are, years later, holding on to it. Not only did you not regain what you have lost, you keep experiencing loss: losing mental clarity, peace, and energy. The event is in the past. But you keep it alive. That person moved on, yet you keep them alive in your mind and energy.

That event, that person affect your vibrational signature. The last thing you want.

There are many healing methods, and depending on how deeply you were hurt, you could apply them all or just a few. 

How long will it take? 

If you have been holding on to the grudges for 2-20 years and you have been telling yourself the same story over and over – you practiced it really well. You are good at it. Would you expect it to go away in one sitting? Freedom from those feelings is also a mental practice. 

The good news is healing takes less time than it took to create the problem.  It is also ok to believe in Miracles. 

If you sat down to meditation and set a powerful intention, you may absolutely experience a miracle. If you do not, nothing went wrong. 

What if the feelings return? 

What if in the process, you will experience even stronger anger? When it happens, take notes of what your mind is offering you; what are you thinking about? These might be the lessons for the future, these might be your new rules for setting boundaries. 

Emotional healing, energetic shifts, neuroplasticity, mental reset.

I know you want justice and fairness; you want to get even so you can feel better. But what if you can feel better without  changing anything, except your mind and heart?  When we hold on to something, we hold on to the story the way we saw it. Once you find a new perspective remember to practice it. Have a notebook with the new thoughts, new realizations. It is so easy to fall back to the old thinking habit. It’s a routine. Like choosing subconsciously the same road back home. 

When you want new life, new emotional life, you need to practice NEW thoughts about the situation. Practice until they become a well known path. Until it’s your reality.

One of the most powerful practices we use in coaching is separating facts from the story. This alone creates breakthroughs.  The process of clearing grudges is similar to the 7 step process I created long time ago and I wrote about it here.  (apologies for my ESL grammar:|)

A book suggestion: 

“Loving what is”  by Byron Katie – a must-read!

Take a look at the past. 

The past is in the past. We can’t control it. We can’t erase it. We can only change how we think about it, without lying to ourselves. When we change the meaning this alone can be powerful enough. We can do it on the conscious or subconscious level (coaching or hypnotherapy) . In hypnosis we often go to the past, shift perspective and create healing. 

The shift in perspective allows for a shift in emotions. 

Spiritual work. 

There may be a place for forgiveness and, above all: self- forgiveness. Compassion. Surrender. 

Practicing Prayer, and setting Intentions. 

Sometimes when people do past life regression work, they see a karmic reason for the situation. You were the one to hurt that person in the past. Now it is their turn. We release karma when we no longer choose to participate in the cycle of hurting one another. It happens when one person goes within, forgives, and rises above it. 

If you resist…

If you resist and still hold on to the hurt, notice if you are afraid to feel free because…

if you can no longer tell that story, what story will you be telling? 

Who will you be, if you no longer can identify as a victim of that person?

(The word victim here is used as a victim mindset. You might be a true victim of an unfair treatment and choose not to have a victim mindset. You may experience someone’s unintentional actions and choose to create more victimhood around it.) 

One of the possibilities is to be someone who is free, and empowered, someone who created a miracle of emotional freedom. 

If you prefer to choose the victim story, at least be honest that this is your conscious choice. Of course, when you choose empowerment, you lose the privilege of blaming others. 

Other methods: 

Energy healing. 

Tapping EFT, or Tapas technique (video) 

Prayer, contemplation, self-forgiveness. 

What to expect? 

If you do not experience an instantaneous transformation, expect it will be just like changing bad habits: the memory will keep coming back from time to time, but each time it will be less intense. If you do not feed and relive the story, the memory will come up less often. Until one day, it crosses your mind, and you feel nothing about it. 

Have patience with yourself. 

As you go through this healing and empowering journey, think:

how can you love yourself thru this experience?